#and i am very anxious about it 😅

[catboywizard]

exactly one week from now and i’ll (probably) be fully jewish!

[thebibliosphere]

Hi! I'm getting my first MRI (for my brain, with contrast) and I am TERRIFIED! It sounds like you've had a few - any reassurance or advice? (No pressure to respond - you probably get lots of these!)

It’s definitely a weird sensation and I understand the fear, but I actually don’t mind them. Some labs offer things like music or aromatherapy to keep people calm (some people find the machine extremely claustrophobic and they are aware of this) so check with your radiology department to see if you can bring in your own playlist if you think that’d help.

For my first MRI with the contrast they let me bring my childhood teddy bear and once I was situated in the tube, the lab tech placed him in my hands outside the machine so I could hold onto him, as well as the panic button that they give you so they can pull you out if you suddenly realize, yeah, actually, you’re claustrophobic and about to freak the fuck out.

I’m someone who panics in enclosed spaces, but the MRI was actually okay. I knew I wasn’t trapped because my feet were outside the machine and I just closed my eyes and made up fanfic in my head for forty five minutes 😅.

The drum spinning can be loud. So if you’re noise sensitive, ask about ear plugs.

I don’t usually bother with the earplugs and sometimes just talk to the lab tech over the intercom if they’re feeling chatty. They know I’m an MCAS risk with the dye so they tend to chatter more with me than other people, I think. My first ever episode of MCAS anaphylaxis happened inside of a CT machine from the contrast dye (different dye from the MRI dye). So they know my PTSD from being in big whirly machines is through the roof and do what they can to help. If you’re extremely anxious let them know. They’re used to it.

Afterwards, don’t be surprised if you’re dizzy or experience vertigo. I felt like I’d been on a very fast spinning ride when they pulled me out.

The tech explained this was the MRI affecting my inner ear and it’d go away pretty quick. I think it took an hour for me to stop tripping over my own feet, so if possible I’d suggest having someone there to drive you home/take a cab if you can.

Other than that, just try to make sure you’re well rested beforehand and give yourself something to look forward to after. I usually go to the bookstore or grab a new comic, but getting your favorite coffee or another little treat is a good idea too.

I hope your scan is uneventful and whatever reasons you’re doing in for resolves soon. Best of luck!

[sansaorgana]

— DECEPTION (X – SAURON)

DECEPTION MASTERLIST ALTERNATIVE ENDING (ADAR)

PAIRING — Sauron x fem!Elf!Reader // Adar x fem!Elf!Reader

SUMMARY — You already made your decision to remain by Adar's side but your former lover has different plans.

AUTHOR’S NOTE — First of all, thank you so much for your comments under every part and your support because this fic (and this fandom) was what brought back my joy for writing! 😊 I am aware most of you wants to see The Reader from this fic with Adar but I still wanted to let you make a choice and I had an idea for this storyline either way, so... 🤷🏻‍♀️ The very cold line Some are born for sacrifice is taken from another fantasy TV show – The Shannara Chronicles. 😅 I loved while watching the show and I remembered about it while writing this story. I think it suits. 🤐 This part is more canon-like than the alternative ending where The Reader chooses Adar tbh.

WARNINGS — forced/arranged marriage, Reader is NOT a good person – she is proud, greedy, fake and corrupted by Sauron, "love" triangle situationship, YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS 💀

WORD COUNT — 4,930

ENGLISH IS MY SECOND LANGUAGE.

DECEPTION (X – SAURON)

You spent the rest of the day and half of the night inside the forest, in your new favourite place, feeling uneasy. Alone, just in case Sauron wanted to reach out to you again. But he was not making such attempts and it was making you anxious more than ever. His wrath was something you did not want to experience yourself and you knew very well that you had earned it.

Nervously fidgeting with the wedding band around your finger, you were sitting there by the fallen tree and listening to the sounds of the battle taking place nearby. Once more, you felt like sneaking back into the camp, stealing your own horse and running away to some place where no one knew you. But you knew you could not. You had to face the consequences of your actions.

Eventually, you took a deep breath in and decided to find Adar. You needed him close to feel safe and secure again because your anxiety was growing bigger and bigger with each given moment.

You found him near your shared tent, surrounded by the Orcs, small fires to light the path and all the war machines that made you realise how truly close you were to the battle indeed and how serious the situation was.

As you were approaching Adar from one side, you spotted Glûg walking up to him from the opposite one, with some of his friends standing behind as if they were waiting for him to speak to their Lord Father in the name of them all.

“Lord Father,” Glûg started just when you stood next to your husband and wrapped your trembling hands around his arm, happy that he was still there; that Sauron’s rage had not taken him away from you just yet. “The wall is stronger than we thought,” Glûg continued with his head slightly bowed down. “We may not breach it before morning. The Elf is faring better than you expected,” he added. “His troops have already destroyed five of our trebuchets. Many Uruk are dying,” he emphasised, his voice filled with pain and fear. “What are your orders, Lord Father? Shall we sound retreat?”

“No,” Adar’s answer was quick, nearly harsh. It caused a shiver to go down your spine as you watched with interest the conversation between him and his son. “Sauron must not escape,” Adar stated and turned around in your direction, putting his arm around your back to walk you inside the tent. “Bring down that wall. At any cost,” he added.

“Adar!” Glûg exclaimed and you exchanged a meaningful look with your husband. There was desperation but also a hint of disappointment mixed with anger in the Orc’s voice. You both froze and turned around to face him once more. “You told us… You loved us,” Glûg reminded his father in the Black Speech and your heart clenched inside your chest at his words that you could understand perfectly well now.

“With all that is left of my heart,” Adar answered with pain but also determination in his voice. Too much to let you become Sauron’s slaves.”

There was no answer from Glûg or any of the Orcs, so Adar left your side and went inside the tent. You hesitated at the sight of their faces, though. Their expressions did not mean anything good but you had no idea how you could fix it.

Either way, it was an argument between the Orcs and their Lord Father. You were not a side in this conflict. Therefore, you turned around and followed your husband inside the tent.

When you looked around, you spotted that he was angry and crouching down next to a few dead bodies of the Orcs. Lady Galadriel was not around.

“She’s still in the camp. Find her!” He barked at a few Orcs coming inside after you and they nodded before running out.

“What happened?” You asked.

“She escaped,” Adar stood up and showed you a small Elven key Galadriel had to use to get out of her shackles. Suddenly, you realised what Herald Elrond had done while kissing her. He had managed to distract everyone from the fact he had handed her his brooch with a hidden item inside.

“Smart,” you admitted and tilted your head but Adar was not impressed.

“You were supposed to watch over her,” he reminded you, harshly.

“Me?” You were surprised at his words. “I know that you are nervous because the battle is not going the way you planned and I agree with Glûg that we should retreat and go back home but that is no reason for you to take it out on me,” you drawled out through your gritted teeth.

Adar did not say anything to that as he gave you a scolding look and left the tent in a hurry, leaving you speechless. However, not even a minute passed and he was back.

“Forgive me,” he said and extended his hand towards yours. “I might die today and I do not want to leave this world knowing that the very last thing we did was to argue,” he admitted and you sighed, approaching him.

You ignored his extended hand because you threw your arms around his neck instead and you hugged him tight before taking a small step back and cupping his face in your hands.

“Do not say such things, please,” you pleaded and cracked a nervous smile before joining your lips together to kiss him softly before you eventually let him go to join his children.

The battle was getting worse and more ferocious but you remained inside your tent, nervously patting the surface of the wooden table with your fingers. Then, suddenly, angry Glûg entered the tent without even announcing himself. You turned around, surprised and raised an eyebrow at him.

“My Lady,” he bowed his head very slightly, nearly lazily, which was quite uncommon for him.

“What is it, dear?” You tried to be more lighthearted.

“I come to you because Adar remains deaf to my pleas,” Glûg sighed, still standing near the entrance of the tent as if he was scared of approaching you.

“What pleas, Glûg? He will not agree to go back home. Believe me, I’ve tried,” you rolled your eyes slightly and Glûg squinted his small eyes at you.

“That I know, my Lady,” he nodded. “He has just ordered to send the troll in.”

“And what about it?” You inquired. “Have we not brought that filthy creature here to use him in battle?”

“He is killing our own kind!” Glûg tried to protest and you pursed your lips after realising how delicate the situation was indeed.

“I understand,” you nodded and stood up finally to approach him. “However, you must trust your Lord Father’s orders. Some battles require smaller losses to win the big thing in the end. I have lost a lot myself. I have lost things you have no idea of, Glûg,” you only said and he growled but then he looked down at your scolding expression. “We all have a part to play,” you added. “Some are born for sacrifice.”

Glûg looked up at your face as if he was scared of you. Perhaps he was but you were not given more time with him because he left the tent in a hurry. You sighed and went back on the chair. Everything was a mess and you just wanted the battle to be over. The worst thing was the uncertainty.

When the dawn came, you could no longer stay in one place. You left the tent and went deeper into the forest to hide between the tall trees. But instead of going straight to your favourite place, you took a small detour, trying to calm down your pounding heart and your shaky breath.

Your mind was plagued with all the things you could have done differently. You could have told Adar back in Mordor that Halbrand was Sauron. You could have slaughtered him yourself with Morgoth’s crown. You had known then, after all, where Adar was keeping it. You could have discouraged your husband instead of encouraging him when it came to the matter of attacking Eregion.

So many things you could have done differently but you had been blinded by Sauron and his empty promises.

You reached the cliff and there you could witness the true image of what you had caused – burning Eregion, one of the most beautiful Elven cities… now fallen. Your eyes welled with tears but could you really blame yourself? It was all him – Sauron.

“I have promised you, have I not?” His voice filled your head that very moment. You turned around but no one was there as your heart skipped a beat. His voice was overlooming and malicious – he was angry with you and you could feel it despite the physical distance.

“Promised me what?” You asked, angrily.

“I have promised I would destroy them all. All the beautiful Elven cities you felt so small compared to. Mithlond, Eregion… I have promised that you would watch them burn,” Sauron reminded you.

“You have promised me I would watch them burn with a crown upon my head,” you gritted your teeth.

“And you promised me you would bring me the very crown and put it onto my head. Back in Mordor, when I was your prisoner. How sweet you were to me then,” Sauron answered, his voice filled with sinister irony.

“Leave me,” you shook your head and shut your eyes close, letting the warm tears stream down your cheeks.

“You have outdone yourself, I must admit, my love. You might have earned my forgiveness with the army you brought me,” he whispered before leaving your mind as you had requested.

You took a deep breath in and opened your eyes rapidly.

Adar.

You had to find him. You had to find him now.

You gathered your skirts and ran back inside the forest, through the trees and the hidden paths you were able to see perfectly well because of your Elven heritage. Your ancestors had been running through forests like this one – maybe even the same woods. It was in your blood to be able to swiftly move through the trees.

In no time you found yourself in your favourite spot by the fallen tree where the sunlight was creeping in. And as you circled around, wondering where to go, you overheard glimpses of conversations. You immediately recognised your husband’s voice but also… Lady Galadriel’s?

With a furrowed brow, you followed the voices and found yourself approaching a small forest clearing with a stone circle, which had most likely been made by your kin back in the First Age. In the very centre of it stood the biggest stone and Morgoth’s crown was placed upon it.

Your husband was approaching Lady Galadriel and handing her back a Ring – you assumed he had managed to get the one forged by Lord Celebrimbor for her. And the power of this item you could feel even there, hidden between the trees. It was vibrating with pure light and chiming with a beautiful, Elven song.

And Adar’s face was different. It was… Healed. You gasped and took a step ahead but when he turned his face back at you, you could see the scars appearing once more because the Ring was now back on Lady Galadriel’s finger.

“We must go,” you swallowed the lump in your throat as you approached them. “We must go back home. Please,” you grabbed him by his sleeve. “I beg of you,” you added, not caring much about your pride anymore. You didn’t even mind Lady Galadriel’s curious gaze.

“On the contrary,” Adar smiled softly and caressed your cheek. “We have just made ourselves a deal with the Elves” he told you and you furrowed your brows before laying your eyes on Galadriel. She smiled nervously at you. “Together, we might destroy Sauron.”

Hope bloomed deep inside of you once more at his words. You cracked a smile at Galadriel, too.

“Thank you,” you breathed out to her.

But despite all of that, you had a feeling that something was not right. It was too easy. Sauron would never let it happen and he would surely predict it.

“We shall create a lasting peace in Middle-earth,” Adar added and you squeezed his arm tighter, lovingly. “Now and forever.”

You knew that deep down that was all he had ever wanted – for his children to have their own land and live there peacefully as he would watch over them. And you would, too. By his side. You smiled to yourself.

Your small moment of blissfulness was interrupted by a few Orcs carrying Glûg on the stretchers. His face was wincing out of pain and he seemed to be hurt. Adar left your side immediately and you stood there with Galadriel while you observed.

“What happened?” Adar kneeled down to check on his son.

“We found Sauron, Lord Father,” one of the Orcs explained and you moved uncomfortably at that mention. “He tried to make Glûg betray you, but he resisted. So, Sauron did this. The others are pursuing him now.”

“Forgive me, child,” Adar whispered to Glûg.

You wanted to go to him, too but you tilted your head instead when you realised that the rest of the Orcs were not kneeling by their dying brother’s side. No, they were keeping a fair distance as they formed a circle around Adar and Glûg, with their hands close to the hilts of their weapons.

“Adar…” You called his name. “My love, can you come back to me?” You reached out to him with your hand carefully as it trembled.

But he did not listen to you because, at that moment, his son’s pain was his priority.

“It’s too late…” Glûg groaned.

“It’s never too late,” Adar insisted. “Not even for me. And not for you, my son.”

“Adar…!” You insisted but you were ignored once more and tears filled your eyes. You even took a small step closer even though at that moment, you were not sure anymore if you could keep trusting the Orcs.

“It’s too late…” Glûg whimpered as if he was dying and a short moment after you watched in terror how he pierced Adar’s side with his blade.

You shouted and reached for your sword without thinking twice about whether your abilities were enough or not to fight them but when you were about to charge at the Orcs attacking your husband and him not even trying to defend himself… you were stopped.

A hand on your shoulder.

You looked around and saw Sauron’s face so close to yours that you gasped. He had a new form once again but this time it did not differ so much from the previous one. He was a blond Elf now, radiating light and wisdom. A blasphemous image, surely.

His eyes in that moment were nothing but two dark abysses as he was looking you up and down with pure hatred and curiosity.

“Let go of her!” Lady Galadriel ordered and you nearly chuckled at how naive she could be.

“She is exactly where she is supposed to be. By my side,” Sauron smirked and you turned your head around once more to glance at your husband.

Adar was laying on the ground now but he was still alive enough to see. You tried to get free from Sauron’s grasp and he surprisingly allowed it.

There was no point of fighting the Orcs now – there were too many of them. And perhaps some part of you wished for them to do to your body the same thing they had done to your husband. So, you tossed aside Morgoth’s sword because it would only slow you down and you hurried to Adar’s side as you kneeled by him and sobbed.

“Please, stop!” You begged the Orcs but they ignored you. Yet, their blades made sure to not even scratch you as they were piercing through Adar. “Please…” You begged and begged as Adar laid his blue eyes filled with sadness on your face. “My love, please, forgive me… Please…” You caressed his cheeks and his hair as your tears were falling down upon his face. “You can’t die thinking I did not love you. I am so sorry… So, so sorry…”

Sauron approached you all, which caused the Orcs to retreat. You noticed he was holding Morgoth’s crown now in his hand. They were standing in a circle above you and you were kneeling down, holding Adar’s dying body, sobbing and looking up at your corrupted lover.

“Please…” You whispered. “I love him,” you told Sauron.

But Sauron did not react. He only watched with a twisted satisfaction and you squeezed Adar’s cold hand. You felt his fingers trying to squeeze back yours, which only made you sob even more.

“My… children…” He looked at you as he breathed out in the Black Speech.

“They are not children anymore,” Sauron informed him and you shot him a deadly glance. Glûg was standing right next to him and your pain mixed with anger at the thought that it was him out of them all who had betrayed your husband.

“I forgive you,” Adar told you in the Quenya language now and your heart skipped a beat. “I love you.”

You were too heartbroken to say anything to that but you knew that he knew how much you loved him, too. And you knew he understood why you had done all those things – he understood what it meant to be under Sauron’s spell.

Sauron put his hand upon your shoulder and moved you away slightly to make more space for Glûg to finish Adar off with one final stroke as he yelled and you sobbed.

When the fallen Elves die, where do they go?

“What orders, Lord Sauron?” Glûg asked Sauron as all the Orcs bowed down. The very moment their Lord Father let out his last breath.

Crying silent tears, nothing but hatred grew and grew inside of your heart for them now. They were just like everyone had been saying – vile and cruel. They did not know anything about love or loyalty.

They did not deserve Adar.

You did not deserve Adar.

“Raze Eregion,” Sauron ordered but you couldn't care less about anything else now. All that mattered was your husband, laying there dead. You were still squeezing his hand. “Leave no Elf alive but bring me their leaders.”

“Hail Sauron! Hail the new Dark Lord!” Glûg shouted in the Black Speech and the rest followed, screaming it over and over.

In the meantime, you caressed Adar’s face and wiped the black blood streaming down his chin from the corner of his mouth with your thumb. You fixed his hair delicately and closed his eyelids and it nearly looked like he was asleep.

The Orcs finally ran away, passing you by. Sauron kept staring at you with contempt and you looked up with hatred.

“I will be back,” he smirked and walked away to join Lady Galadriel since the business between them was surely not over yet. You watched with gritted teeth how he picked up your sword and claimed it as his.

And, once more, you found yourself not caring. Because it did not matter, after all. Nothing mattered and you felt nothing, too. You were empty.

Sauron and Galadriel began their duel but you did not watch. She hurried away into the forest and Sauron followed her and now all you could hear was the sound of clinking metal.

“Sleep, my dear,” you whispered as you looked down at Adar’s peaceful face and caressed his hair. “Sleep, you deserve it,” you added with a trembling voice.

Your hands went lower to his own because you wanted to take the wedding ring off of his finger to keep it. You did so and then you reached with your fingers inside his sleeve and you sobbed more after finding there the leaves of the holy trees you had married under.

“Oh, Adar…” You lowered yourself to press your forehead to his. “Thank you for everything.”

He was the very first who had shown you love and given you power. You missed him already – his soft smiles at you, the brushes of his fingertips upon your cheeks, his rough voice, his usual calmness, his wisdom. His respect towards you and how safe he was able to make you feel. That you just knew he would never harm you – his wife.

You did not know how much time had passed but you were sitting there without moving an inch, holding Adar’s body close and feeling how his body was slowly getting colder and colder.

Familiar footsteps brought you back to reality. Sauron, wielding your sword in one hand and Morgoth’s crown in another with Galadriel’s blood dripping down from its iron spikes as you looked up to see his angry face.

“She refused you once more,” you pointed out, bitterly. “So you’re back to me. What would you do if she said yes? Would I join my husband in death then?” You asked, calling Adar your husband to spite him.

“She said no and I am here,” Sauron clenched his jaw. “What would you do if he was alive?” He asked and your expression changed because, sadly, he had a point.

He had betrayed you but you had betrayed him, too. It was only fair. But just like you had feared his wrath – perhaps he should fear yours, too. That would be fair as well.

“He is dead and I am here,” you caressed Adar’s cheek one last time and stood up to be on Sauron’s level. “Give me back my sword,” you reached out with your hand but there was no reaction from him. “It was not a plea. The sword is mine, so is Mordor and so is the army. I have earned them,” you stated, harshly and Sauron let out a contemptuous laugh. “The Lady of Light did not follow you and you were a fool for thinking she would even consider it,” you added and Sauron’s laughter stopped in an instant as he shot you a deadly glance.

He could not threaten you with death, though, because it would only mean a reunion with Adar, therefore you did not fear it anymore.

“Only I am rotten enough to follow you, Sauron,” you pointed out, bitterly. “Perhaps all of this had to happen for us to finally realise that we are cursed with one another,” you continued and walked past Adar’s body to get your sword from Sauron’s hands yourself. He allowed you to but he kept watching you closely. “We are doomed to walk side by side, my love,” you whispered but your words were malicious.

You looked deep into his scary eyes although you were sure yours were just as terrifying at that moment. And when you were getting the sword from him, your hands joined together for a moment as you two froze like that.

You hated and despised him. He had betrayed you. And yet, it was true that you had to be doomed to be with him because, still, you felt attracted to him. Still, you would follow him wherever he would go now.

You had nowhere else to go anyway.

“I rue the day I met you,” you told him in Black Speech, “shadow of Morgoth.”

Those words visibly angered him as he tilted his head with a smirk.

“If I am nothing but his shadow, what does that make you? You are merely made in the image of me,” Sauron remarked.

“No, I am my own self. My own person. My own soul with my own desires,” you raised your head high. “If I am to follow you, it will be on different terms this time. It will be as your equal,” you insisted.

“What use are you to me except for warming my bed?” Sauron grabbed you by your chin as he brought your face closer and his hot breath fanned over your skin.

“What use are you to me except for warming mine?” You answered, calmly.

Your spat was interrupted by Glûg himself who ran up to you with one of his friends. At the sight of him, Sauron let go of your chin and you both turned around to face the Orcs.

“We are overwhelmed, Lord Sauron!” Glûg exclaimed after approaching you two and you kept staring at him with nothing but pure hatred and disgust. Like he deserved to be treated after everything he had done. “The Dwarves are securing the Elves’ retreat,” he shook his head, nervously.

Sauron said nothing and kept staring at the Orc with a puzzled expression, surprised that he even dared to file such a complaint. Glûg laid his small and pleading eyes on you as he bowed down.

“If we pursue, many Uruks will die, Lady Mother,” he addressed you and his words caused your jaw to clench as blood boiled in your veins.

“Do not call me that,” you scolded him, harshly, as you glanced briefly at your husband’s dead body before looking back at the Orc. “I have no love for you,” you told him and Glûg’s eyes widened. “You have betrayed the only person who was able to love your filthy kin,” you added and you made your point very clear to the rest by piercing your sword right through him.

And what a satisfaction it brought you to watch him choke on it when it was him who had betrayed your husband the most. You twisted the blade and retreated it as Glûg fell down on the ground and curled up to die.

“What are you staring at?” You barked at his shocked and terrified friend. “Go back and fight!” You ordered and he ran away.

Short silence occurred between you and Sauron. When you finally broke it by sighing and turning around to walk away slightly, you felt his hands on your wrists, pulling you closer once more. His face was right in front of yours but this time there was no threat in them and they were no black abysses anymore but a beautiful shade of green.

However, you moved away.

“I want to give my husband a proper burial,” you crouched down next to Adar’s body. “Then I can go with you.”

You formed the funeral pyre yourself in that favourite spot of yours by the fallen tree. It took you a whole day since you were carefully choosing the best branches to do so. And it was you without anyone’s help moving Adar’s body on top of it. When you were able to finally light the fire, it was dark already but you knew he would prefer it this way.

You hesitated while carrying the torch because you knew that burning him was a definite act. He would be no more. Not even his flesh.

Yet, you couldn’t leave him behind to rot.

“In flames he returns to darkness,” you whispered in the Black Speech and lit the pyre before taking a step back and watching it burn.

You were so cried out that only one single tear streamed down your cheek and you did not even bother to wipe it.

A quiet sound of the footsteps made you realise that Sauron joined you but you did not look back. You knew he made that slight noise with the purpose of letting you know he was there, so you ignored him purposefully, too.

“You, Elves, you marry once in a lifetime, do you not?” He stood right behind you and you sighed at the irony in his voice.

“We do,” you nodded as you played nervously with the contents of your pocket – two wedding rings and the leaves of the holy trees. “But in the eyes of the Valar, we are married. You and I,” you turned your head around to look at his devilishly handsome face being lit by the light from the dancing flames. “I have given myself to you out of my own free will and during our first night together I became your wife,” you reminded him, bitterly. “You have many brides, though, am I right, Lord Sauron?”

He did not answer as he kept staring at the flames but he put his hands on your shoulders and pulled you a bit closer to him.

“None of them as terrific as you,” he confessed with a hint of admiration and leaned in to place a kiss upon your temple.

His words were like venom – treacherous and infectious. You liked to think that you were immune now to him and his craft but perhaps you had overestimated your own self.

You turned your head around and your noses brushed softly as you gave in and opened your lips to welcome his hungry kiss.

“My Dark Lady of Mordor,” he whispered between the kisses. “Commander of my Army. My Queen.”

His Queen. Everything you had once wanted and now you had it.

But what a price you had to pay for it.

What a price indeed… To find out that you had a heart hidden in there despite it all – only for it to die and rot shortly after.

And whatever was left of it, Sauron had a tight hold on it.

“Your Queen,” you cracked a sad smile and let go of the wedding rings and the leaves inside your pocket to raise your hand and caress his smooth cheek. “Your malediction.”

AUTHOR’S NOTE 2.0 — Hi, it's me again! 👋🏻 If you are here for angst, then I think reading Adar's ending might make it worse for you because it shows you the possibility of what could have been only if our Reader made slightly different choices. If you read both endings, you will see that it was mostly small gestures of kindness and compassion that decided her fate. 💓

MASTERLIST

[serendippertyy]

❄️SO ABOUT MY WINTER WONDERLAND AU....❄️

just giving you all a warning that I am a huge christmas nut and that this au is here to stay for as long as I want!! I pretty much have seasonal depression every time it's not winter so I try to keep the holiday spirit alive as much as I can! this au is a love letter to both tadc and that homey vintage christmas feeling and so tadww means a lot to me so be warned it is going to overstay it's welcome! 😅💙

I wanted to also say that I love and appreciate all the fanart I've received I genuinely save every single one and admire them all, this fandom has been a blessing to me and has helped motivate me in so many ways and the outpour of love for tadww makes my heart full!! you all are so unbelievably talented! 💙💙 (i don't even think I've seen them all so if I haven't commented/reblogged ur fanart PLEASE tell me!!!)

tadww is still very bare bones but there have been wonderfully talented and sweet people tossing around ideas, especially @pomniegranate 's RP group! :] I'm extremely anxious and i feel as though this au has been helping me get out of my shell a bit and I'm getting braver about collaborating and discuss things with other fans and getting my fandom spark back and I appreciate it all so so much, more than some simple words can express 🥺💙

so I would love it if y'all stuck around for some more tadww shenanigans! i still have plenty of asks and doodle requests to go through that I would love to fulfill! ❄️💙

[jenny-in-a-jar]

🖤💙 4 days until my Surgery 💙🖤

(Picture taken Dec 9th, 2023)

I'm very very excited for my surgery (it's my second gender affirming surgery but this one is more significant to me since it'll be top and bottom surgery) and I'm obviously counting the days until it and I thought some people might be interested in my trans journey 🏳️‍⚧️ So see part 7 below the cut.

Part 1 here

As the summer was ending, I got really lucky! A lesbian hairstylist (who helped organize the drag show I went in the last update) gave my name to this sales lady who sold accounting work to like companies and she needed help with researching CEO and CFO types. And she paid me out of pocket and honestly it was pretty easy internet research using Google. I felt like a little rat scurrying across the Internet 🐀 So, thank you lesbians 🙏🙏

(Picture taken Nov 6th, 2022)

Apparently I really impressed her so she got me hired full time as a sales admin for her company (I wouldn't have gotten with my lack of a college degree without her) and I've had that job since! And a lot of my transition wouldn't be possible without the pay and benefits of this job. Also this is my first job where I get gendered correctly and I'm slowly getting less anxious about going to the bathroom at work 🥰

She honestly mom'd up on me and bought me a bunch of new business casual clothes for the job. And here's an example of one of my new work outfits 😁

(Picture taken Nov 14, 2022)

Bc of the new job I was able to afford a lot more things for transitioning! Like voice training. I remember when I first cracked I tried to just teach myself using videos but I wasn't good at it 😅 Also a friend during the summer of 2022 helped me and I did make some progress with her help. But, I started making a lot more progress once I started seeing a speech therapist. But, there was a barrier since I could tell she hadn't worked too much with trans people. I went to a speech therapist bc it was covered by my insurance but she moved and then I couldn't find anyone for insurance covered speech therapy. So, I eventually just paid for lessons Your Lessons Now. And, honestly it's going a lot better! It's really nice to be able to talk about my frustrations with voice training with another transfem. The biggest thing I'm learning from here is how to break the bad habit of pitching up my voice by squeezing my vocal chords.

(Picture taken Sept 8th, 2023)

I had also switched to injections and I highly recommend it! A friend even made my first two vials into earrings 🔥

I also got a lot lazier with makeup 😅 I do eyeliner wings, mascara, and blush for when I go into the office. Which for a bunch of accountants means I do about as much makeup that is normal for the women in the office 🤷‍♀️

(Pictures taken October 31st and December 2nd of 2022)

These were two notable exceptions. I really love the makeup I did for the Halloween of 2022 bc I decided to go as a ghost-type trainer. And the one on the right is when I learned how to use concealer to cover my 'raccoon eyes' as my dad liked to call them 🦝

Also this would be a good time to mention something I probably should've mentioned earlier 😅 I never learned how to use foundation. I know it's easy but I have a weird mental block around it 🤷‍♀️ But, in the summer of 2021 I started doing twice daily skincare routine for my face. Which took me from a very acne heavy face to people being surprised I'm not wearing foundation. Also the routine is really nice. Would recommend to those who want to get rid of their acne (send an ask if you want to know specifics).

(Picture taken Aug 20, 2023)

Romance update since I've been doing that lol: Well, things ended with all the girlfriends I had so I am down to 1 partner. And I got caught in a romance scam for a few months 😭 However, I can't really complain because I got engaged!!! It was so sweet in cute. My partner and I had this date the night before Valentine's Day under a statue outside of a local art museum. We read sapphic poetry by candle light and then they popped the question 🥰🥰

But, I say another big part of this era was I made a lot more local trans friends. Went to a good amount of house parties which would've surprised pre-transition me! And I really love my community of queer people I've been building 🥺🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️💕

(Picture taken July 21st, 2023)

Oh yeah!! I also started laser hair removal at the beginning of 2021 as well. Which was before this era but time is a lie. But the new job definitely made it easier to afford.

The biggest step for my transition was getting my surgeries set up!! And my FFS (facial feminization surgery) marks the end of this era. Below was the last picture I took before my FFS.

(Picture taken Feb 17th, 2024)

So, in my next update, I'll be showing my post-op pictures once most of the swelling went down. See you tomorrow!! 😁✌️

Next Part Here

[kyokutsu-sama]

Hello! How are you? It's the first time I'm making a request, I hope you can understand my English because it's not my first language (I'm Brazilian). I would like to request a headcanon for Nozel, Fuegoleon, William, Julius. They invite their s/o to dinner for the first time after confessing to her, they then go to the restaurant to wait for her but realize that their s/o is late and they think she is rejecting them, but then, someone warns them that there is a fight going on in a part of the city and when they get there, s/o is fighting someone. She was attacked by someone who doesn't like the boys and decides to hurt her to hurt them (I hope that makes sense).

I really hope you managed to understand! Sometimes English is complicated for me! Love your blog! ❤️❤️

Hii!! I'm glad that you like my blog and you don't need to worry about your english because I understand it very well. Your english is very good❤️✨️

I hope you like what I wrote😊

_____________________________

Fuegoleon :

Fuegoleon had invited his girlfriend to their first dinner together. He was very anxious and couldn't wait for her to arrive soon, since he had been the first to arrive at the place. It turns out that he was waiting and waiting and nothing, so he started to get worried. He then decided to go out to look for you. As he was leaving the street, there was a loud explosion coming from the other side of the city and he went to see what it was. He arrived at the place where the noise came from and saw her standing, panting and with small wounds after having knocked down a malefactor who had intended to hurt her to cause distress to the captain. Hurting his loved one for not liking him was definitely a bad idea. Fuegoleon quickly intervened, taking her with one arm close to him and tying the man up with his magic, so that he would be caught by the other magic knights and pay for his actions. "Are you okay, dear?" The captain asked, combing her hair with his fingers, gently. "I think we have to take you to a doctor, you're bleeding here." He said, looking at the wound she had on her arm "No need, it was just a scratch. I'm fine!" She insisted but he shook his head "Don't be stubborn Y/n, let's go to Doctor Owen. He can help you. Come!" The captain took her in his arms and took her there with the salamander Fuegoleon was relieved to know that she was not in danger (and especially the fact that she hadn't rejected him like he was thinking moments ago in the restaurant😅)

Julius :

Julius was smiling to himself, all excited, like a child as he waited for his loved one at the restaurant after they both agreed on dinner. The wizard king was very happy after she agreed to date him and couldn't wait to be with her again. Julius looked at the clock several times and each minute that passed seemed painful since she was taking so long The wizard king had a strange feeling, probably even a premonition, he thought. He got up from the table and went outside to the center of the capital city where he knew she was and when he got there, he realized that his prediction was right. She seemed busy. He noticed that the guy who was on the ground had already gotten up and was now heading towards her again, he knew she was strong but he still couldn't help but interfere. Julius used his restriction magic (chrono stasis) to immobilize the man and later, the magic knights arrived to take him away. "You had a little problem here." The wizard king approached her and she hugged him. "Are you okay?" "Yes, now I am. You saved me! This idiot wanted to hurt me because he didn't like you and so he thought it would be good to do it to me." She explained "I see...Well, it looks like unfortunately we'll have to leave dinner for another time, my dear. It looks like I'll have to have a long talk with that guy later." Julius said and she noticed the king's dark look in the man's direction She could already imagine that that man would never be seen in Clover again...

William :

William was swinging his foot under the table and his fingertips kept hitting the table, anxiously. He was a little nervous about his new girlfriend's delay. He had started dating her weeks ago and this would be their first dinner. William saw Yuno entering the restaurant and the boy arrived at his table to tell him the news of what was happening on the other side of the city with his beloved. She seemed to be facing someone who had tried to harm her. William thanked the boy for warning him and they both ran towards the location. William took her from his clutches and defeated the man who had hurt her. Shortly after the arrival of the knights of the golden dawn and the calming of the situation, he was always holding her in his arms to make her feel safe. "Are you feeling better?" The captain asked "Yes, thank you for coming to my rescue, I mean, I was doing well but he was just stubborn and didn't want to let go of me. He spoke badly about you too and maybe he was doing this to me to hurt you too but don't worry, I did my best against him." She winked and he gave a small smile "You did really well, without a doubt...but our dinner seems to have been ruined." He laughed, making her laugh too "It's okay, we'll schedule it for another day. For whenever you want, my dear." She said, holding his hand.

[melanieph321]

Ruben Dias x Reader - The Sound Of Your Voice

This picture was the only one I could find where Ruben looked anxious. 😅

Ruben finds comfort in the sound of Reader's voice ahead of Manchester City vs Copenhagen, as he is a little anxious ahead of the game.

Enjoy!

It was ahead of Manchester City's first game during The Champions League knockout phase.

You had always known Ruben to be a confident person, quite sure of himself and his abilities. His self awareness could expose any therapist for an imposter and he wasn't a fool nor a liar when it came to expressing his emotions. However, Ruben had taught you that there was always a time and place for everything. A time to be happy. A time to be upset. A time to be afraid.

Well into your marriage Ruben was always composed in his character, even after you had the kids. Ruben never came across as less than sure of himself. Unlike you, with the instict of any mother, worrying about the well-being of the people you loved was simply impeded within you. This mindset wasn't taught or forced upon you, it was simply engraved in the essence that made up a woman. Therefore it was natural for something to cause a stirr within you when you recived an anonymous call from Ruben, less than an hour before his game.

"Hello?"

Silence. However, you could hear someone breathing on the other end.

"Hello? I can hear you breathing, you know?"

"Y/N, it's me."

"Ruben?"

The way he said your name, it was desperate and alarming.

"Is everything alright? Why aren't you at the game." You could here it from the living room, your kids leaving you no room to join them on the couch.

"I am." He replied. "We are just about to go on to the pitch and warm up."

"Okay, great. Shall I call you after the..."

"No, don't hang up!"

"Ruben?"

Again, the way he spoke to you was desperate and very alarming.

"What's going on baby, you're scaring me?"

"I'm...sorry. I just thought I'd give you a call beforehand."

"Oh, okay. What for?"

"I don't know?"

"You don't know?"

Your reaction made him chuckle, the sound calming your heart. "I don't know." He said, this time you sensed a smile on his face. "To tell you that I love you, I guess."

"Um, well, I love you to Ruben."

That's when it dawned on you. How you had thought it impossible that someone like Ruben got anxious sometimes. Although he sounded more relaxed now.

"I have to go now, see you at home."

"I'll see you at home baby, goodluck."

"Don't need it. Bye."

Then again, he was built different. This you simply had to accept. It's what you had grown to love the most about him.

[strayheartless]

AGSZC and being read to:

Inspired by this ask answer by @rottenpumpkin13 ❤️

I do not apologise for the amount of pain I’m inflicting recently. But know that I am also in pain.😅

Angeal: bedtime stories were important to Angeal’s bedtime routine growing up. He liked when his dad read to him because he did all the voices and made shadow puppets on the wall with the bedside lamp. They couldn’t always afford books, but there was a local library and Gillian seemed keen for him to be imaginative and creative.

As he got older, guided reading homework was a good way to spend one on one time with either parent, and Angeal lived for calm evenings sat leaning on his father as his mother cooked dinner and Angeal read aloud bolstered by their soft praise.

As an adult Angeal is less interested in fiction and fantasy, instead loving history and horticulture books. He does enjoy fiction about self discovery -especially if the protagonist is escaping to heal in nature- but he mostly likes to learn when he reads.

Genesis: As one would expect, Genesis lives for reading. As a child His Nannie read to him and her soothing Banoran lilt smoothed out any of that anxious energy that bothered him though the day. For Genesis one of the most painful things about his childhood was that his mother never read to him. She was never in the mood to listen to him read and even when they had mother son days, she would send him to bed with a promise of tucking him in and saying goodnight, and never would. These were times when little Genesis sat on the end of the bed all night waiting with a story book in his little hands and his heart hurting.

As an adult Genesis is most offended when people complain about his reading aloud. It helps him self sooth and he will literally read anything put in front of him ms LOVELESS will always be his comfort read, but he has been known to enjoy vampire romance and high fantasy novels too.

Genesis is at his most relaxed when reading to his friends or when Angeal or Sephiroth return the favour by reading to him. As kids he and Angeal read to eachother and it’s Genesis’ safe place to be read to by him. Sephiroth’s voice is, however, the one that can put Genesis to sleep in a good way. It is an extremely important part of a bonding process to Genesis that he can share language and stories with them in this way. His friends understand that this is Genesis’ most intimate love language.

Sephiroth: he was never read to as a child, unless you count that short barely remembered time with professor Gast. He also has a vague memory of a brown haired woman who smelled like flowers and dirt but he doesn’t know who she was. He read aloud alone or with his tutors and it always felt sterile and uncomfortable growing up.

As an adult he craves being read to like nothing he’s ever craved before. It aches so painfully that Angeal and Genesis see it on his face when they do. There has been many times when they have tactfully not drawn attention to the tears he sheds when Angeal reads him a kids book he’d never had the chance to read. They never point out that he clings to Genesis like a enraptured toddler when he shows him illustrations in his book of folk law. Reading out loud is still extremely difficult for Sephiroth, and he’s not always comfortable enough to do it. But the nights that he is are so special that none of them talk, just bask in it.

Zack: Zack is not a big reader. He wasn’t really very creative as a child and bedtime stories were kind of lost on him due to his attention wandering. His mother created a way to engage him creatively by telling stories in a “choose your own adventure” kind of way that had Zack moving and thinking but this didn’t really work for bedtime.

Growing up getting Zack to do his reading logs was a pain because he hated being made to sit and look. He did it, but it was an ordeal for everyone involved.

As an adult Zack still doesn’t really get any pleasure from reading or being read to. He can’t sit still long enough and prefers movies and video games. He likes things that keep him moving and engaged.

Cloud: reading with his mama was always Clouds safe place as a child. A lot of his childhood was spent with his nose stuck firmly in a book as he leant against his Mama’s legs as she washed dishes; or curling up in blankets but he fire listening to her read. This makes reading an incredibly personal thing to him and it horrified him to find out that Sephiroth never had that, and that Zack didn’t want it.

For Cloud the only bright spots of his childhood were the books he read with his mother and the moments they shared together. It was the time he felt the most loved and when it’s gone Cloud finds that the ache is one that never leaves. He doesn’t read like that with anyone else until Denzel and Marlene, and he hopes that they have the same associations with his voice as he had with his mothers.

He finds comfort in listening to others read and like Genesis it is one of his most intimate love language but you have to be truely special for Cloud to share that with you.

[didalexiabreakupwitholgaisback]

Well...I have to admit that I am also anxious regarding Ingrid's renewal with Barça, but cooking up all this theory and negativity doesn't help 🫤

And they say patience is a virtue, so to all those fans that are feeling anxious or impatient, here's a snippet of Alexia hugging Ingrid.

Alexia renewed, so would Ingrid 🫶🏻

patience is the key word. in fact, might i please point everyone to the article written by maria tikas in october which is literally titled "engen, iñigo and patience" and the first two paragraphs are this 😂

"in these times, the world is dominated by immediacy and wanting everything now. haste and a lack of patience take over the present and the idea of ​​going little by little. and football doesn't work any differently. performance and results are required for yesterday. those who don't meet these requirements are not worth it.

especially at barça - not at the club itself but in everything that surrounds it - there is very little patience with signings. once, a year and a half ago, ingrid engen told me in an interview, talking about this, that she didn't think people understood what it meant for a female footballer - which can also be extrapolated to the male - to sign for barça."

again, if it's not reported by maria tikas, then it's not credible! and fan analysis of a 5 second hug is not a source 😅

these types of people tend to overanalyse and make a huge deal out of everything.

if you do a social media search for alexia from january to april 2024 and can see all the facial analyses from matches and people 100% convinced she was going to leave, then you'll burst out laughing. it's so hilarious how people overreact at everything.

again, wait for real sources and reporting and not this fictional crap, pls! 🙏

[duskandcobalt]

Everywhere, Everything: Chapter Seven

Chapter Summary: Elain heads back to Velaris for Christmas after rejecting Graysen's marriage proposal.

Word Count: 6.6k

Warnings: mentions of dv (please see authors note below), smattering of smut (18+ pls)

Missed the first six chapters? You can find the Masterlist for this fic here 🥰

A/N: *peaks out from the hole I've been hiding in* heyyyy  😅

Once again, I must begin by saying thank you for all your lovely comments and messages about this fic and all the others. I cannot appreicate how much it means to me. A special thank you to everyone who's checked in with me over the past few months and given me kindess, support, and patience. There are some lovely people on this app and I am so honoured that you choose to read and engage with my fic.

Please note that there is a very brief mention of domestic violence in this chapter within the context of a conversation. If that's something you'd rather skip reading, please feel free to do what's best for you.

ENJOY XX

Read on AO3

The fire was dwindling down, empty cups were scattered on every available surface, Christmas music played over the speakers, and wrapping paper was strewn on the floor of Azriel’s living room. 

It’d been a Christmas like all the others - drinking and eating and lots of gifts exchanged, though Nyx had made out the best of  anyone, spoiled rotten by all of his aunties and uncles. They’d played a few games, exchanged a bit of gossip about mutual acquaintances, and throughout all the festivities, Azriel had kept a careful eye on Elain. 

He watched her now, his brows pulling together above the rim of the whisky glass he’d raised up to his lips. She was sitting quietly in her usual spot on his couch, lazily tracing circles around the rim of her nearly empty wine glass. 

There was something different about her tonight that he couldn't quite place but he was determined to figure out. While everyone else had been enjoying themselves, he could sense a peculiar cloud of something sad that seemed to follow Elain around no matter how hard she tried to smile and laugh and pretend like everything was okay when it was clear - to him, at least - that things were far from fine.

His first sign that something was wrong was when Elain had walked into his house earlier, avoiding eye contact and barely even bothering with a proper hug as she muttered a ‘Merry Christmas’ and a ‘thank you for hosting’ all while hiding behind a pile of gifts stacked tall in her arms. Even when she'd come back home with Graysen in tow she hadn't held back from him like that and her iciness had caught him completely off guard. 

He’d been so anxious to see her again after all this time, that he hadn’t fully considered the reality of the situation. Azriel knew that the last time they’d seen each other had been tense but it hadn't ended badly by any means. And sure, he hadn't spoken to her properly in well over half a year but she replied to his sparse texts and he still woke up to a voice note from her on his birthday so he’d figured that that had to count for something. That maybe that was to be their new normal. He’d resigned himself to taking what he could get - that’s what he’d told her after all on Nesta’s porch that night. He wanted her in his life in whatever way he could have her. 

The second thing to clue him in that something was wrong was that right after she’d placed the presents under the Christmas tree, Elain had made a beeline to the kitchen and poured herself a shot of whatever bottle of alcohol her eyes had landed on first.

It wasn't that he wasn't used to seeing her drink, although she’d certainly never been a drinker in the way the rest of their friend group indulged, but he’d never once seen her drink like this - knocking back shot after shot when she thought no one was watching. It was rare for her to even pour a drink without asking if she could. Almost a decade of knowing her and Elain always asked permission no matter how many times he insisted that she help herself to whatever she wanted. 

Azriel had counted at least seven trips to the kitchen tonight - all for a drink, none for food. Even the speciality cheese she adored and that he’d purchased just for her after she confirmed her attendance, sat untouched. But for having downed a minimum of seven drinks, she didn’t really appear to be all that drunk. He had to give her credit because she held her alcohol surprisingly well - the only real give away that she was drunk was a slight stumble as she stood up from the sofa the last time she went to the kitchen and a droop to her eyelids that could be attributed to exhaustion.

Elain had sat quietly most of the night, speaking only when spoken to and channelling most of her attention on Nyx when he’d been awake but now that her nephew was fast asleep on the sofa next to her, Shadow curled up at his feet, she had no real distraction and Azriel watched curiously as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat, opening her mouth a dozen times as if to speak only to seemingly decide against it and retreat back into herself. 

He’d planned on once again cornering her to try and figure out what the hell was going on and to see if there was absolutely anything he could do to ease whatever clearly ailed her. He’d intended to follow her into the kitchen the next time she went to drown her sorrows but he never got the chance because after a prolonged moment of silence amongst the group - she finally spoke. 

Azriel all but froze as Elain cleared her throat and wrung her hands together in her lap, tugging at the sleeves of the long sleeved black top she was wearing. Her empty glass of wine had been carefully placed on the coffee table in front of her.

“Graysen proposed,” she hiccupped, nervously tucking her hair behind her ears as she delivered her news without even a second of preamble. 

The two words were softly spoken and she’d said them in one breath with no break in between but Azriel heard her loud and clear.

His stomach dropped, the three or four drinks he’d consumed turned sour in his stomach and did very little to ease the pain of his heart slamming against his chest as Nesta and Feyre began firing off question after question - all of which were ignored by Elain and none of which he could actually hear over the incessant buzzing in his ears. 

He prayed that he’d heard her wrong. Prayed that there was no way she’d actually said what he thought she’d said. It wasn’t until he saw Feyre reach for Elain’s left hand that Azriel forced himself to focus, his eyes zeroing in on her fingers - at the vacant space where one would expect to find a ring after an announcement such as the one Elain had just made. 

“I said no,” she whispered, catching Feyre’s confused expression as her sister’s index finger slid over Elain’s bare skin. 

No. 

She’d said no. She’d said no. She’d said no. 

Azriel repeated the words to himself over and over again as it was his own personal mantra, drilling it into his head as he finally allowed himself to breathe. He couldn’t look at her face, couldn’t bear to find out what expression he’d find there. All he could do was stare at her hand - at that perfect, unadorned finger - no glimmering diamond to be found. 

“A few months ago,” he heard her tell the girls. 

“Why’d you say no?” Nesta asked, her voice soft although Azriel could hear the smallest inkling of relief in it that mirrored his own feelings. He wondered if maybe Nesta had seen through Graysen’s facade as well and had quietly hoped that her cousin would come to her senses and leave him. 

Azriel tore his attention away from Elain’s fingers and up to her face only to watch as her eyes lifted to meet his for a fleeting moment before she quickly looked away from him and back to Nesta. 

“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “We hadn’t even talked about it and I was caught so off guard. It just didn’t feel right.” She took a deep, staggering breath, Azriel could see the shimmer of tears beginning to well along her lash line. “I don’t think I ever really loved him…. I never really like them all that much.”

She said the last part to herself, a drunken admission whispered to the floor. It was a confession that she’d spent her entire adult life with men that she didn’t even truly care for. Azriel couldn’t bring himself to wonder why she did what she did or why she’d finally admitted it. He wouldn’t let himself consider that maybe she found herself staying in meaningless relationship after meaningless relationship for the same reason he found himself avoiding them all together. 

“I think… I think I may need to lay down,” Elain muttered after a moment of tense, awkward silence. It was clear that no one in the room quite knew what to say or do. Feyre and Nesta were staring at her dumbfounded. Cassian and Rhys were exchanging mildly panicked looks as they tried to figure out what to do in this situation. “I feel a little dizzy all of a sudden.”

“Come upstairs,” Azriel was on his feet before he could even think to stop himself, speaking without even consciously meaning to as he bypassed Feyre and Nesta to get to Elain. He stepped forward, one hand outstretched towards her. 

He didn't miss the look Feyre gave Nesta. A silent enquiry as to whether they should let him take her upstairs - as if the two of them knew what had happened the last time he and Elain had been left alone on Christmas. Nesta just nodded, one subtle dip of her chin that had Feyre watching in stunned silence as Elain placed her hand in Azriel’s. 

Neither of the girls had ever said anything to him about that night other than to acknowledge that Elain had, in fact, flown home the following morning. An emergency at work was the flimsy excuse Nesta had given him the following day when he’d called her and done his best to enquire about Elain’s whereabouts without raising any suspicion. 

Azriel carefully pulled Elain up, keeping her hand in his as his other arm wrapped around her waist to keep her upright as he slowly and carefully led her up his stairs, guiding her to the guest room a couple doors down from his own bedroom. 

He flipped back the duvet and sat her down on the bed. He could feel her eyes on him as she silently watched him lower himself to his knees so he could unzip her boots and slide them off her feet. 

“Lay back,” he tapped gently on her calf, hands hovering around her in case she needed help. 

“Not the first time you’ve said that to me,” Elain quipped, flopping back in a less than graceful manner before turning onto her side to face him. There was the tiniest smirk on her lips, the smallest bit of amusement shining in her sad eyes. He almost found himself smiling at the drunken comment until her expression changed, those pretty lips of hers turning down at the corners. 

“Az.. will you stay with me? After everyone goes?” 

Azriel grimaced, ignoring the pull from the part of his heart that was ready and willing to bend to her every whim. “I can’t, Elain.” 

“Why?” Her eyebrows pulled together to create a small crease on her forehead. He fought the urge to reach out and smooth away that visible line of tension with a gentle pass of his thumb. “You always used to stay with me.” 

“It’s different now,” he exhaled, shoulders dropping as he absentmindedly ran a hand through his hair. “You’re not mine, Elain.”

“That’s not true,” Elain frowned, fighting to keep her eyes open. “I’ve always been yours.” She said it with every bit of drunken sincerity in the world, whispered soft and sweet even as she lost the battle to sleep and her eyes began to flutter shut. 

Her words were like a knife to his heart. He knew she never would’ve said it if the amount of alcohol in her bloodstream didn’t outweigh her good senses. He had no idea whether she’d even remember any of this in the morning. 

“Why did you stay with him? If you didn’t love him? If you didn’t like any of the others? Why would you stay with them?” Azriel couldn’t help but ask, going against his better judgement to seek an explanation for the questions that had haunted him for years even if he knew that whatever answer she gave him, it was unlikely to offer him any semblance of peace. 

“It’s easier to pretend if there’s someone else,” Elain’s hands came up to her throat, her fingertips mindlessly searching for something. She frowned when she came up empty, her nails digging into the space between her collarbones instead. The sight unsettled Azriel enough to momentarily distract him from what she’d just said. 

The necklace he’d given her on her birthday a few years ago, the one she’d worn religiously every day since, the one that tethered her to him, was missing from her neck and it was like a punch to his gut. 

“The chain broke,” Elain whispered, having followed his line of sight to where he’d been openly staring at the place the gold pendant had sat against her skin for half a decade. “It’s in my bag, I was hoping you’d be able to fix it.”

Azriel nodded, relieved that she hadn’t actually taken the necklace off herself. He stood there, arms hanging uselessly at his side for a couple more seconds until her eyelids drifted shut once again. He walked towards the door, deciding to let her sleep this off, but he paused before he could leave, turning towards her once more. 

He thought maybe he was a sadist because asking these questions, pushing for these answers, would only serve to expand that ever growing crack in his heart. Still, he couldn't seem to help himself. 

“Lain?” Part of him hoped that she’d already drifted off to sleep, that she wouldn’t answer and he wouldn’t get to ask his question and have to hear her response.. 

“Yeah, Az?” The corner of her eyes crinkled as she looked at him, squinting. 

“What did you mean?” He asked. “When you said it’s easier to pretend?”

She paused for a moment, teeth scraping over her bottom lip as she turned so she was on her back, her eyes focused on the ceiling. 

“When I’m with someone else,” she started, voice so quiet that he had to strain to hear her over the music carrying up the stairs and under the gap in the door. “It’s easier to distract myself from the fact that sometimes I want you so badly, I think it might kill me.” 

The ache in his chest was so sharp and so immediate that he had to grip the handle on the door harder just to feel like he had some sort of control over his body. He had no idea what to do with that information. Had no idea what to say back. He’d waited what felt like a lifetime to hear her say those words to him, he’d just never imagined that it would be so painful. 

He couldn’t speak, could barely even remember his name. He hadn’t realised how long he’d been silent until he noticed that she’d fallen asleep, her head now tilted towards him. 

Azriel set his shoulders and backed out of the room, quietly shutting the door behind him. He took a deep breath, pushing back every bit of emotion that he felt, before slowly making his way back downstairs.

Elain stuck an arm out from under the covers, her fingers blindly reaching to her nightstand for her phone. It wasn’t until she felt the sharp corner of a wooden surface instead of the rounded edge of her own bedside table that she realised that she wasn’t at home in her own bed. She peeked out from under the covers, taking in her surroundings with one blurry eye. 

Light was beginning to filter in through a pair of cream curtains covering a rather large window. The bed she was in was comfy and not completely unfamiliar, the bed linen looked similar to a set that she’d helped Azriel choose back when they’d gone shopping for… 

“Fuck,” Elain groaned, sitting up and dragging her hands over her face. 

She wasn’t at home. She wasn’t in her designated room at her sister’s house. No - she’d been fast asleep in Azriel’s guest bedroom. 

It didn’t take much to figure out just how she’d ended up here. The pounding in her head and the dryness in her mouth were enough to tell her that she’d maybe taken it a little too far with the alcohol last night.

She’d started drinking before they’d even left Feyre’s, just a couple of glasses while getting ready that she told herself were for liquid courage. She’d known the second that they pulled into Azriel’s driveway that she’d need far more to get through seeing him again under a whole new set of circumstances that only she was privy to and so she’d thrown caution to the wind and had been throwing back drinks any chance she got. 

She really hadn’t even been planning on telling anyone about the proposal but after an hour or so of drinking, she’d felt the urge to say it - to let them know what had happened. To let them know she and Graysen were done. Elain couldn’t remember much past the moment she’d drunkenly blurted out the news.. she remembered Feyre and Nesta’s surprised faces and the faraway look on Azriel’s face when she’d dared to glance at him but everything past that moment seemed to be a blur. 

If she really tried to push for details, she could vaguely remember being helped up the stairs because she was too far gone to manage on her own but that was all her hungover brain could string together.

“Lain?” The low register of Azriel’s morning voice rumbled through the door as a knock lightly sounded on the surface. “You up? Can I come in?” 

“Yeah, come in!” She called back, wincing at how sore her voice sounded in her ears.

Elain sat up, quickly running a hand through her tangled hair as she propped up a pillow behind her and let the duvet fall to her waist. It was so much colder in this room than she’d expected and she didn’t fully register why until Azriel walked in. 

“Morning, how you feeling? I brought some -” he’d been halfway through his sentence, sleepy eyes scanning over her until they widened at the exact same time the tips of his ears went red. 

She’d lost her top at some point during the night - something she hadn’t realised until the cold morning air had hit her bare skin. Azriel turned around quickly, the glass of water in his hand sloshing over slightly with the speed at which he averted his gaze.  “Fuck. Sorry! I thought.. You said to come in and I thought… fuck .” 

Elain quickly tugged the sheets back up to her chin, fighting the urge to pull them over her head altogether and suffocate herself from embarrassment. Twice now, she’d woken up in Azriel’s house on the day after Christmas naked in one of his beds. Maybe next year she’d check off the last remaining room. 

“No, I’m sorry, I didn’t even realise I - wait, you can turn around…” she fumbled with her words, watching as he slowly turned to face her. His cheeks were pink and the hand that wasn’t cradling a glass of water and an entire pack of headache tablets came up to fidget with the worn neck of the old t-shirt he’d chucked on this morning. “I always get so hot at night and I usually sleep with a fan and I just must’ve… taken it off. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I should’ve gotten you a change of clothes but I didn’t want to…” he trailed off, coming closer to hand her the water as he opened up the packet of tablets and slipped out a few. “I barely saw anything, if that helps.” 

Elain took the tablets from him. “Barely anything, huh?”

She took a small bit of satisfaction from the way he frowned in confusion before he caught on, the blush that had finally subsided from his cheeks came back full force. 

“ Not what I meant,” Azriel shook his head, raking a hand through his hair as she tossed back the tablets. “There’s plenty to see… just the right amount.”

“I’d stop speaking now if I were you,” Elain rolled her eyes. “Thank you for the tablets and the water and for letting me stay the night.”

“It’s nothing,” Azriel shrugged, gingerly sitting on the very edge of the bed. His eyes scanned over her again, lingering on the bare skin of her shoulder that had escaped the cover of the duvet before they slid to her fingers and then back up to her face. “Are you feeling alright?” 

“Could be better,” she answered, realising that she hadn’t actually gotten around to responding the first time he’d asked her. “Can’t drink like I used to, I suppose.”

“You’ve never drank like that, Lain.” Azriel chuckled. “I think that’s part of the problem.”

He was right. She was notoriously a lightweight when it came to alcohol and had never needed more than four or five drinks before she was just the right amount of drunk. 

“A shower and some food and I’ll feel brand new,” she sighed. 

“I’ll grab you a towel and some clothes,” he nodded, fingers mindlessly tapping at his knee. “Have a shower and come down, I’ll make you some breakfast and then if you’re up for it we can go over to the studio and I’ll fix your necklace. Fresh air might do you some good.” 

“You don’t have to do that, Az. I’ll call Feyre to pick me up and get out of your way.” Elain started to look around for where she might’ve tossed her top, suddenly anxious that she’d been here too long. That she was eating into his day, once again taking up time that she didn’t deserve. 

“I know that I don’t have to, Elain. I want to.” He insisted, voice gentle as ever as he looked over at her. “You aren’t in my way.”

Elain didn’t say anything, just looked down at her lap as he stood up, adjusting the waistband of the plaid pajama pants he had on. “Chocolate chip or blueberry?” 

“What?”

“Pancakes,” Azriel clarified, a shy grin on his lips. “Chocolate chip or blueberry?” 

“Blueberry, please.” Elain couldn’t help but mirror her grin, especially when her stomach audibly grumbled at the mere mention of food. 

An hour or so later, Elain sat quietly, perched  on a bench top in Azriel’s workshop. She was warm from the scorching shower she’d taken and clothed in an assortment of clothes that he’d handed her with a towel this morning - his shirt, his sweatpants… a lacy pair of underwear she recognised as the ones she hadn’t bothered to search for when she’d snuck out of his house the previous year.

She watched him as he took a seat, sliding a frame of protective glasses over his eyes before he fired up a small torch. He situated himself, leaning forward as he began to carefully solder Elain’s necklace back together. 

She told herself she was just watching a master at work but her attention had drifted from the actual work being done to focus on the movement of his deft fingers, the shifting muscles of his strong back and shoulders. She studied the side of his face - the slope of his nose, the concentrated furrow of his brows, the way his lips pressed together as he worked. 

She didn’t realise just how intensely she’d been staring at him until she found herself looking into his actual eyes rather than just his side profile. Elain quickly sat up straight, rolling her shoulders as she lowered her eyes and tried to keep her cheeks from flooding with colour. 

“You said the necklace broke while you were changing,” Azriel stood up, pushing his glasses back, using them like a headband to keep his thick hair off of his forehead. It was ridiculous that he managed to look good even like that. 

“The way the chain was broken,” he spoke carefully as he approached her. “It didn’t look like a simple snag, it looked like there was some force behind it. 

Elain swallowed, her cheeks now burning for an entirely different reason. She turned to look out of the window to her right, pretending to watch the snow as it drifted lazily from the cold, gray sky. 

“Lain?” Azriel tried again. He was standing in front of her now, just inches from her knees. “How did the necklace really break?”

Elain paused, unsure how to proceed or what to even say. She couldn’t lie to him. Not again. She’d told herself in the shower this morning - after she’d had a small cry and wallowed in self pity - that this needed to be a new start, that she couldn’t keep shutting him out. Especially now that she no longer had the excuse of having a boyfriend in the picture. 

“Graysen… he didn’t like the necklace very much,” she started. “He always had an issue with it, even before he met you. He didn’t like that I never took it off or that it was from a friend . It only got worse after he came home with me and saw us and then when I… when he proposed and I said no, he said that if I didn’t want to accept the ring, I needed to take off the necklace. I guess to prove that I cared about him even if I didn’t want to marry him just yet.” 

“You didn’t take the necklace off,” Azriel stated, eyes boring into her even though she couldn’t quite bring herself to look back at him. 

“I couldn’t do it,” Elain’s voice shook slightly as she thought back to that night. “He obviously wasn’t happy with my choice and so he just… he reached forward and pulled it off of me.”

Elain’s eyes were shut, her heart racing at the memory of how she’d felt that night. How alone she’d been, how momentarily afraid. She couldn’t bring herself to tell Azriel that she’d woken to a small, raised scar on the side of her neck the next morning. She hadn’t realised that she’d been crying until Azriel’s hand cupped her face, the rough pad of his thumb gently sweeping across her cheek to brush away hot tears.

“I’m so sorry,” she mumbled.

“What are you apologising for?” Azriel asked. 

She could hear the restraint in his voice, the underlying anger that he carried on her behalf. 

“I don’t know,” Elain finally looked at him, giving him a sad smile. “I’ve just been so awful to you for so long now.” 

“You haven’t,” he assured her. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Lain. I just hope you know that how he acted - pulling this off of you - that’s not okay. You didn’t deserve that.” 

“I shouldn’t have led him on…” she shook her head. “I wasted his time. I wasted yours… he was right to be angry with me.” 

“Look at me,” Azriel demanded, palm sliding from her cheek down to her jaw so that he could tilt her face up towards his. “None of that matters.”

“It does though because I -” 

“Elain, did he ever…” Elain’s eyes travelled to the clench of his jaw, the way his throat flexed as he trailed off. “If he put his hands on you…” 

“No, Az.” Elain lifted her hand up to cover his where it still cradled her face. “There were words occasionally and he’d… when we… never mind,” she blushed, swallowing away the bitterness at remembering what the sex had been like after an argument or whenever he’d been jealous. “It was never… he never hit me.” She said finally.

Elain studied Azriel’s face carefully. Let him see that she was okay. That the only marker that anything had happened was a broken necklace that was easily mended. 

She knew where his mind had gone - knew his fears of her being treated the same way his mother had been treated. 

He’d confided in her years ago - told her about what he’d witnessed growing up and the anger he felt towards the man he didn’t even care to call father. Explained how ashamed he felt at being too small to really be able to do anything to help. 

Elain couldn’t bear the thought of him feeling like that again. Certainly not over her. 

“Azriel,” she squeezed his fingers to get his full attention. “He didn’t hurt me. I promise.” 

“Okay,” he nodded eventually, worried eyes meeting hers for one more moment as if to confirm that she was in fact unharmed before he leaned back and picked up her necklace from where he’d sat it on the bench next to her hip. “Here, just like new.” 

Elain didn’t reach for the necklace, instead she just gave him a shy smile and echoed the question she’d asked him when he first presented her with this necklace all those years ago. “Put it on me?” 

Azriel returned her smile with one just as shy, waiting as she gathered her hair and twisted it up to move it out of the way. His hands slipped around her neck, the chain cold against her skin. 

Azriel’s head dipped so that he could see what he was doing, his cheek skimming her hair as he took his time fastening the necklace. She’d missed the feeling, the reassuarance that the small bit of gold nestled against her chest provided her. 

“Last night… Did you mean what you said?” His question was so quiet, half hushed by the way his face was tilted into her hair. 

“Oh god,” she groaned, dread seeping through her veins. 

She’d been wondering all morning what had happened last night, had been trying to fill in the blanks between the bits she could remember… which wasn’t all that much. She was scared to even ask - afraid to know all the ways she might’ve embarrassed herself the previous night. “I don’t really remember what was said, to be honest.” 

He finally pulled back and straightened up, hands reaching forward to gently maneuver the necklace until it sat just right around her neck. Each brush of his fingers against her skin made her shiver in a way that she couldn’t possibly hide from him. 

The way that he was looking at her certainly didn’t help. Neither did the drag of his thumb against her neck, right over a pulsing vein that gave away her racing heart. 

“Right,” Azriel gave her a nervous smile that made her stomach drop in anticipation. “When Nesta asked you why you said no…”

“I do remember that part,” she cut him off, unable to bear hearing it again although she knew it could only get worse. 

“Well, when it was just us upstairs, after you’d asked me to stay -”

“Jesus, Az, I’m sorry -”

“Not something to apologise for,” the fingers of his other hand tapped out a pattern on her knee that caused yet another shiver to zip up her spine. “I asked you why you stayed with Graysen or with any of the others if you didn’t even actually like them and you told me that it was easier to do that than admit that you, um… wanted me.”

Elain bit the inside of her cheek as she glanced away from him yet again.

“Is that true?” Azriel prodded her for an answer and when she found the courage to look at him again, the look in his eyes, the unmistakable heat, threatened to stop her heart altogether. 

“What happens if I say yes?” She felt breathless, a little dizzy. Just like she felt a year ago when she’d been in a very similar situation - sat on a countertop, Azriel standing in between her knees. Their entire world balancing on a precipice. 

She wasn’t sure when she’d started to lean into his touch. Couldn’t pinpoint when her face had moved so close to his that his nose practically grazed hers. She had no way to tell if he had leaned down or if she had keened upwards, her body arching up to him like a flower seeking the sun. She didn’t know when any of it had happened but she didn’t fight it as her eyes fluttered shut and her lips parted in anticipation. 

Waiting. Wanting.

He didn’t answer her, only smoothed his thumb over her throat once more before repeating his own question. “Is it true, Elain?” 

“Yes,” she breathed, her voice verging on desperation. 

Azriel swallowed once, eyes tracing a slow path from her eyes to her lips before he answered her with action. 

Their lips met, clumsily at first though they fell into rhythm quickly, muscle memory kicking in as their mouths came together in a way that bordered on frantic. Her hands tangled in his hair while his ventured to her waist, pulling her into him while simultaneously pushing her further back onto the workbench until she was practically flat against it, his body pressing hers down.

“Elain…” Azriel’s voice was almost pained as he said her name, his lips coasting along her jaw, a different kind of restraint in his tone than the restraint he’d spoken with a few minutes before.

“Please,” she all but whimpered, desperate to feel his lips on hers again. 

“Can’t do this if you’re going to run again afterwards, Elain.” He told her, his hands still wandering, sliding under the soft fabric of the shirt she wore. His shirt. 

“I mean… my flight is booked for tomorrow,” she couldn’t help but joke, squealing and squirming as his fingers pressed into her side as punishment. 

“S’not funny,” he grumbled. 

“Sorry, sorry…” she schooled her face into a serious expression. “I do have to go tomorrow but it won’t be because of this, Az. Not this time. I promise.”

“We have a lot of talking to do,” Azriel told her, all the while his hands travelled further up her torso until his fingers grazed the soft skin of her breasts. 

Just that slight touch had her tugging him down towards her as she leaned further back once more, presenting herself to him. His for the taking. 

“Later,” she told him. “Talk later.”

She knew it was stupid  - to once again go down this route without having properly spoken about what they were doing. What this was. If it was even anything. All she knew was that she was tired of pretending. Tired of being afraid of the unknowns, of the what ifs. She wished she had any idea how this would all end, how it would play out. But that was a conversation for another day. Right now, all she wanted, all she needed , was this.  

“Later,” Azriel agreed, smiling into the crook of her neck before coming back up to kiss her again. This time it was unrushed, almost lazy. He took his time familiarising himself with her mouth the same way he took his time circling her nipples with his thumbs. She moaned into his mouth - half at the blissful feeling of his hands on her skin, half at the memory of what that same motion had felt like when he’d slid his hand up under her skirt the last time they’d done this. 

“Always want you like this,” she admitted, mind hazy as his mouth travelled down her neck and over her sternum as he pushed up her t-shirt until his lips were on the bare skin of her stomach. 

“Yeah?” his fingers tucked into the waistband of her sweatpants, tugging them down as she lifted her hips to aid in the process. Her underwear was pulled to the side, his fingers gliding over her entirely too easily with how wet she was for him. She heard him swear under his breath, in awe at his effect on her.

“Always,” she reiterated, gasping as he slowly slid a finger inside her. “For you. Always like this for you. Az, please can we just -”

She was speaking complete gibberish, anxious to get what she’d been coveting all this time even if she hadn’t wanted to admit it to herself. She didn’t want to waste any more time.

“Don’t have a condom with me,” he told her with a kiss to the inside of her thigh as he continued to touch her. She was distracted from her disappointment when he added another finger - tested the stretch of her. 

“You don’t have any here?” The lack of a condom hadn’t been an issue last time but it had been a year and she knew Azriel had a rotation of girls that he occasionally saw so when he didn’t follow up with a but I haven’t been with anyone, she didn’t let herself linger on it for too long. 

“Don’t really make it a habit to have sex in my workplace very often, or ever, to be honest. Safety concerns and all…” he trailed off, his breath hot over where she ached for his touch. “So this might just have to do for now, wanna make you co-”

His words were cut off by a shrill ring from somewhere besides them. 

“Ignore it,” she told him, hips tilting up in search of more as she flung a hand out to the side in search of her phone. Her fingers blindly fumbled on the screen until the ringing stopped. 

Azriel continued, fingers curling in just the right way as he circled her clit with his tongue - ever so slowly bringing her closer and closer to the edge. 

“Az, oh my God, I think, I think -” Elain gasped, grasping at his hair. She wanted to tell him she was close, to not stop, that she was going to come. But the shrill ring of her phone sounded again, effectively ruining the moment.

“You should probably get that,” Azriel reluctantly pulled away, fingers slipping out of her. He sighed deeply, forehead resting against her bare thigh as she reached for her phone and glanced at the screen. 

Two missed calls and fourteen unread texts. If it wasn’t for previous trauma of missed calls and texts, she might’ve let it go and urged Azriel to continue. She tapped on the screen a little harder than necessary.

“Hello, Nesta.” Elain huffed as she sat up, gently pushing Azriel away as she adjusted her underwear and pulled her pants up and her shirt back down. 

Azriel grinned, shamelessly watching as Elain made herself decent to speak to her sister while she tried to pretend like she hadn’t been splayed out on his workbench half naked, with his mouth in between her thighs mere moments ago. 

“Where the hell have you been? I’ve been texting you all morning, it’s almost one in the afternoon. I’m glad to know you’re alive.” Nesta rattled off, exasperated. “Azriel wasn’t answering his phone either.” 

“I’m alive. I’m with him. I’ll be home soon.” Elain’s words were short. She couldn’t keep the annoyance out of her voice at having their time so rudely interrupted. 

She knew the moment was over, that she’d need to go back to her sisters and explain herself. God knows they’d be anxiously waiting for answers now that she’d sobered up. But her disappointment faded because the way Azriel was watching her with bright, happy eyes and lips swollen from kissing her more than made up for it. 

She half listened to whatever Nesta was saying, too focused on the man in front of her - his dark, messy hair. His broad shoulders and strong arms. His calloused hands. All those tattoos that snaked up his arms and over his chest - old, familiar ones and a few new pieces that she longed to learn about. His enviably long eyelashes. Those kind emerald flecked eyes.

This was Azriel. Her Azriel. Her best friend. 

How could she have ever thought this was anything but exactly right?

[hullangking]

(I'm sorry if this comment bothers you, and I apologize that it is so long! 😅... I hope I'm not pestering you or being annoying with any of these questions or comments 🥲 I understand if you either don't have time to answer or don't want to because all people have lives to live and reasons for choices... ;3) Firstly, I admire Raven-Wally so dang much I want to cry... he somewhat reminds me of a dark/black/fallen angel in a way at times... Your art is ✨DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS!!!...✨ Secondly, I may go insane due to the urge to hug Raven Wally at first sight...- *cries* I want to hug him... or maybe I just really want a hug for myself and he looks so huggable, especially due to how you draw him so splendidly... I ended up getting carried away at one point, when I was trying to make the original comment, and then it started to turn into an accidental poem, which I then tried to improve, but eventually didn't send because I was and still am a bit anxious and nervous to send that... 😅... but if you want it you can have it... . . . . . . . Lastly, Does Raven-Wally like cats?... 🐾 (Again, I'm sorry for pestering you!!!) - Sincerely, an admirer of your art!

OH MY GOoDNESS!!!! No it didn’t bothered me at all!! I’m very happy to have a comment like this🥹😭💕❤️💕✨

Thank you so much for liking my boy!! He would love to hug with you🥹💕💕 plus, I would be so happy to see your poem about Raven!!

+ Yes! He likes all sorts of animal, and that includes cat of course!! >:)

Thank you again for kind compliments..I’m so touched💕❤️❤️💕

[amythesilly]

Hello Everyone :D

This is my first time posting here.. so yeah (⁠；⁠^⁠ω⁠^⁠）

And this is a roleplay blog about my OC, Amy (⁠•⁠ ⁠▽⁠ ⁠•⁠;⁠)

Rules:

•No NSFW

•No cyberbulling

•No disrespecting me or other people

•No hate speech

•No spamming

•No inappropriate messages

Headcannons for my OC, Amy :D

She is best friends with the good trio (Claire, Engel, Bubble Lana and Abbie)

She's friends with Ruby

She is a good artist and very good at art

She's bad at science and she's very afraid of what will happen if she fails..

She's an ambivert

Has ADHD, anxiety and autism

She has a very cute laugh :3

Is she ticklish? Well.. let's just say.. she's very ticklish

Personality

Creative, Shy, Cute, Careful, Sensitive, Innocent, Silly, Fun, Helpful, Fair, Loving, Friendly, Generous, Caring, Forgiving, Patient

People who you should really check them out :D

@amythesilly

@just-cutie-avocado

@vannys-pizzaplex-askblog

@estherbean

@hanechanandrestraintchan

@kennyfromspofc

@vanna-stawberryboba342

@iliterallyknowalmosteveryfandom

@bubblyyeety

@l44rrxx

@alechans-cutetickles

@littlelittlestar-o

@iraia-gamer

@the-one-and-omly

@nonithesortaartist168

@zippydoodlez

@kiya-cannibal-bug

@dreamybasil

The Ask Blogs that you should follow :D

@engels-ask-blog

@alice-monstrous-princess

@abbie-the-anxious-one

@lana-and-her-sockpuppets

@danger-abbie

@riley-crazy-kid

@rubythesillyrobot

@clairewithabow

@m1ssbl00mi3

@zip-the-chaos-child

@girl-from-the-snowy-forest

@viviansmagicshop

@trans-music-teacher

@chip-the-silly-fish

@clairewithabow

@kitkatlovingalgebrateacher

@agethath3silly

@claireslibrarycard

@kevin-and-edward-lol7

@oreolovingmathteacher

@askmyfpeocs

@ask-le-twins

@zipthesillylilsilly

@miss-grace-offical

@alice-yup

@lesbian-history-teacher

@miss-thavelll

@kevin-and-edward-lol7

@silly-art-teacher

@ask-lizzy-fpe

(I couldn't mention the others due to the mentions not working so im sorry if you're not there 😭)

And this is not like the other rp blogs

Not only that I rp about my OC but I also post art and more :3

Not to mention that I am also from the sfw tickling community so please don't hate me for this TvT..

Amy will talk like this

The creator will talk like this

Oh.. and one thing..

Please do not send me donations!!

Here's why:

I have NO money to give you

It makes me feel extremely guilty

It makes me feel uncomfortableI said I don't want them, and my boundaries should be respected

I can't tell what is a bot and what isn't

I get a lot of spam from this.

I do support Palestine and Gaza but I can't support you with donations unfortunately :(

Credits to @jayla-buggie for this ^^ 😅

My YouTube channel

My sfw tk blog:

@a-girl-who-is-silly

Now that's all I have to say

Have a nice day y'all (⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡

[beansprean]

Queening the Pawn Act 3 Part 1

We're back! Some of these pages were drawn like wayy back in December/January lol so don't be alarmed if the style fluctuates a bit. I had to reorder a lot of stuff! This act should have 12 parts - they keep getting longer! 😅

Acts 1-2

Act 3: Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Part 9 - Part 10 - Part 11 - Part 12 - Part 13 - Part 14

(ID in alt and under cut)

ID: 1. Exterior shot of the house, labeled “vampire residence” at the bottom in the show’s font. The panel is split in half, one side showing daylight and the other showing nighttime. Dialogue on the night side says “Interview with Nandor, March 2nd, 4am.” Dialogue on the day side says “Interview with Guillermo, March 3rd, 4pm.” Both are followed by “Rolling.”

2a. Interior shot of the couch in the library in front of the paper-covered bay window. The panel is split, with Nandor sitting on the right side in the nighttime, lit from the front, and Guillermo sitting on the left side in the daylight, lit from behind. Nandor, wearing multiple emotionally protective layers of fur and sleeves in mostly red and brown but with some green peeking through from beneath, is puffed up and glaring at the camera. He points at it accusingly and declares, “No, I am not avoiding Guillermo.” Guillermo, wearing a faded red shirt and plain brown cardigan, is smiling awkwardly, shoulders slumped and looking past the camera as he says “So, Nandor has been avoiding me.” 2b. Multiple flashbacks to earlier in the week: Guillermo exiting the bathroom and glancing over just as Nandor dashes around the corner to hide, flushed and anxious not to be seen; Guillermo clicking on a lamp and illuminating the silhouette of a nervous bat stretched out inside, gripping the shade with its claws; Guillermo vacuuming the stuffed bear and Nandor crouched behind it, wide-eyed and pretending he cannot be seen; Nandor turning away from an irritated Guillermo as he approaches, tossing his arm around teen Colin Robinson, who is playing with a Nintendo switch, with a large fake smile and saying “Ayyee, little Colin Robinson, tell me about your vee-do jame!!” From the present, Guillermo continues, “He’s not very subtle.” Present Nandor says, “I am just…giving him space after his very embarrassing emotional outburst the other night.”

3a. Split shot of the boys on the couch. Offscreen, one of the documentarians asks them both “So…what actually happened between you guys?” Guillermo laces his fingers together over his stomach and looks away nervously, pinching his lips together. Nandor laces his own fingers together and looks straight ahead, sweating. 3b. Repeat. Guillermo looks at the camera with a grimace, cheeks reddening, and holds his hands up in a helpless shrug. He says, “Look, I was really sleep-deprived…” Nandor whips his head away haughtily, cheeks going purple, and twists his hands further into each other, declaring, “My pinkie was on the line!” /end ID

[shakespeareinnit]

9 february 2024 》 "Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

(I cannot find any evidence whatsoever that Kurt actually ever said this, but a pretty great quote 🤷‍♀️)

Starting to fall into a bit of a rhythm now, which is really great. I'm so proud of myself! Getting up at 8 in the morning no matter what has been so great for me. Even if I was up all night and I am shattered, it's one of my new non-negotiable morning habits. I make myself a cup of tea and even if I go back to bed, at least I gave myself the chance to start the day at a reasonable time! 💕

I keep tackling basic, but very anxiety-inducing things in life (like doctor's appointments, ugh) and with each one, I prove myself I am capable. Been really good this week especially at not getting discouraged by setbacks (like not going to lectures, rotting in bed all day or staying up until 6am). I really need to get on my sleep-schedule next, but I am trying not to overwhelm myself, so we're being gentle about it.

I need to get in my sleep until I can anyway, because assignment deadlines for this semester are coming up, and I am also going back to work in less than a month. Goodbye off-season, you were good while you lasted 💔 I do miss flying though (and getting paid asdffghh) even if I've been super anxious about going back to work. New roster is out though and the crew on my first flight back is fab, which is a great relief! ✈️

I'm still not as caught up on uni work as I'd like to be - and I really desperately need to email some people about uncompleted work from the previous semester 😬 - but we are slowly getting there. Yay!

Little treats after completing tasks is the way to go! I forgot how much I love the rocky road slices they have at all the different cafés around uni 🍫 Plus, been reading Abigail Roux & Madeleine Urban's Cut and Run series again for the hundredth time, and it's making me very nostalgic. I first read the books when I was 16, and today, reading a rather steamy scene in the uni library, brought back a very vivid memory of me reading probably the exact same scene on a school library computer while I should have been working on history coursework. 😅 That was 10 years ago! Insane. Anyway, I always always come back to these books. The rubbish ebook formatting can be very frustrating, and the storytelling is somewhat chaotic occasionally, especially in the first book, but, god, I adore Ty and Zane so much. Bisexual FBI agents enemies-to-soulmates wholesomeness is exactly what I need in my life right now. 🩷💜💙

[volturiprincess]

Carlisle x reader who is VERY clingy ?

You're Too Sweet

A/N: I hope this makes up for the wait dear 😅. Enjoy💙

I fall asleep in his arms and when I awake from my slumber he's still there. His calm voice being the first thing I hear. Even if I can't actually sleep, I like to just close my eyes.

“Morning honey”

“Mornin love”

I tighten my grip on him, not wanting him to leave or even thinking about letting him go so soon. I know I am clingy and it was my biggest fear to confess to Carlisle, I was worried he would not like it until he said he was fine with it. On the contrary he said he loves me being all over him and always by his side. He’s been alone for too long so finally having someone like me by his side made him feel complete. I'm always by his side, either holding his hand or arm, sitting on his lap, cuddling to his side, and or him laying against me as I wrap my legs and arms around his shoulders and waist.

If you are wondering how we make this relationship work when he has to work well let me tell you something? When we met I was a Physician Assistant at the hospital he was at, I was lucky to be his right hand, so I am around him constantly. Even if my clinginess cannot be controlled when it comes to him, I manage to stay focused when we are at work. The patients come first at work but at home that's a different story (unless we get an unexpected procedure that needs either both or only one of us). 

It's just me and him, always together, his touches just energize me, it leads me to crave his touch constantly. Even a century later, our ways have not changed, I felt like in this time the craving I have for him has gotten stronger. We hunt together, we drive to work together, we even have matching pajama sets but my favorite thing is when we are in his study. He sits in his office chair while I'm curled up on his lap. It's just peace between us, nobody disturbs our blissful time, we either spend it in silence or we talk about our past. Even when our coven expanded over the years, the clingiest I have for him has not changed. 

As said before, I am always by his side. We never had any issues until our coven was being expanded. I happened to hear the women of the house along with Emmett and Edward questioning my ‘behavior’. I manage to hear some things they were saying such like 

‘Why is she so clingy? Does Carlisle even like that?”

“It's like she can’t give him a break”

“She’s just constantly on him, it's like a newborn animal with their mother”

That’s rich coming from them. I seen the way they cling to their mates and yet I never say anything rude about them. Even in the beginning of their relationships they could not even leave their bedrooms or respectful cottages we got them for privacy. Even to this day they have their days and still I never make snarky remarks toward them. 

I remembered that day like it was yesterday, I haven't told Carlisle about it because quite frankly I wish I could forget I heard it. What if secretly Carlisle does hate how I am but has not said anything so he does not hurt my feelings? 

“What’s happening in your pretty mind sweetheart?”

“What?”

“I've been talking to you these past ten minutes and you seemed to not answer me?”

“Im sorry amor, I was just spacing out”

“You know you can tell me anything, right? It's what we do on a daily basis”

I think it's time to come clean to him about what happened and my concerns about it. I don't like to hide things from him because I know we are not like that, we tell each other everything. 

“You think I'm too clingy?”

“Pardon?”

I mindlessly start to draw small shapes on his chest as I continue, it's a way I cope when I feel anxious.

“Do you think I'm too clingy?”

“Honey, where is this coming from?”

“Answer the question Carlisle”

I have never really called him by his name, it's always been some enduring name. The only times I call him by his name really is at work but it's either his name or Doctor Cullen. 

“You already know the answer to that sweetheart, we even talked about this many years ago”

“Yes but am I too much for you, don't you get…tired of me?”

“I don't think that's even possible”

“What isn't possible?”

“I don't think I can ever get ‘tired’ of you, you mean everything to me, without you I don't think I would be here today”

“Really?”

“Yes really darling, now why do you need reassurance?”

“I just thought you maybe we're holding back your real thoughts on me”

I felt him sit up pulling me with him. His hand went to my chin to turn it up to him, he maintained eye contact with me. Even though our room is currently dark, his eyes still twinkle. His warm smile is not far behind.

“Your my mate, I would not dare to hold anything from you, I love how close we are, emotionally and physically, when you are away from me I feel that cold empty feeling I used to feel before I met you. Words can never explain the love and devotion I have for you. Your clinginess as you say, is one of the many things I love about you also”

The look in his eyes is everything I need to diminish my worries, what the others said didn't even faze me anymore.   

“There's something else isn't there?”

“You know I don't like to talk about others love”

“Honey if someone said something to hurt you I need to know, I don't like to see you upset, if your upset then i'm upset”

“Your to sweet”

“It's only my nature, but please tell me what troubles you?”

“I um heard that I was to clingy and that might bother you”

“Is that so?”

“Yea” 

“You know that’s false, nobody knows me better than you do”

“I know but when others point out our lifestyle it stings a bit”

“Yes well as I said they don't know what you and I have been through”

“Fairpoint”

“Exactly, now I don't want you to let stuff like this get to you because it does not matter or even remotely apply to us, okay?”

“Okay my love”

He leaned in to peck my lips gently and gave me once again that warm smile that helps me relax. When we have moments like this it feels as if we are in the beginning of our bond and I’m falling in love with him all over again. 

[hyunjins-orange-slice-too]

Send this to a stay! Have them describe themselves and see who their followers would “Ship” them with in the group! <3

oh gosh, “ship” me with? i’m curious because i honestly can’t ship myself with any of them. 😅 i am in no way good enough for a ship with them. but this could be a fun way to tell yall more about me. :)

(update after writing: this turned rambley and is probably waaay more than you wanted. im so sorry 😬 also, this is the most i’ve ever said about myself on this app and it’s scary. so be nice to me pls, im fragile)

let’s see.. are we doing physical or personality traits? or both? this is hard! 😭

♡ i’m a shy, quiet person. i’m also very anxious. (diagnosed anxiety/depression, unmedicated {hence my unhinged posts on here sometimes}, i’m working on it. lol)

♡ chronically online (tiktok, tumblr, yt)

♡ i like all kinds of music (favorites are skz, ateez, palaye royale)

♡ i love to watch movies (marvel, ghibli, harry potter, etc. but 80s movies are my favorite) even better if we’re seeing it in theaters with popcorn and candy 😋

♡ i like to read- tho i haven’t done it in awhile apart from this app

♡ i like to write (would love to write a book one day but we’ll see lol)

♡ i would much rather stay inside and watch a movie or a kdrama (currently watching Lovely Runner and it’s wrecking me) as opposed to going out. (the anxiety, yk?)

♡ i like video games even tho i suck

♡ i like cars (mainly drift cars)

♡ i’m an aquarius if that means anything to you, i don’t know much about astrology but i find it fascinating.

♡ i’m an only child with daddy issues (hence the chan bias)

♡ i have a cat

♡ my favorite color is black, or pink, or light blue hehe

♡ i have to have my cow squishmallow named Connor to be able to sleep at night

♡ i like to play D&D with my friends on saturday nights

♡ i’m terrified of severe weather- thunderstorms i can handle, tho i get scared. but tornadoes will send me into a full on panic attack

♡ i was born in ‘95 (i’m gonna be 30 in january and i don’t want to talk about it)

♡ i rely too heavily on comfort audios on yt (aka boyfriend audios- tho i hate that term) is it cringe? yeah kinda, but it makes me happy and it helps me sleep and the asmr tickles my brain good (if you really wanna know, idk why you would, but david from audiogasm is my favorite and pretty much the only one i listen to- hello parasocial relationship)

♡ blonde hair, blue eyes, chubby. 😘

and i can’t think of anything else! which is probably a good thing because i already wrote soo much. anyways, who would you “ship” me with? 😂 (pls say chan or ill cry hehe jk)